Wednesday, January 29, 2014

If You Only Knew...

"I'm beginning to think people aren't really as happy as they seem on Facebook."

The other day a friend from high school made a post stating simply that.  I thought, "Honey, if you only knew."

Wouldn't it be great if our lives were really as incredible as we make 'em look on Facebook?  Well, I'm just here to tell 'ya, they're NOT!  If you could see into my mind and see the everyday struggles I face, you'd cover your eyes and RUN!

My life isn't all rainbows and roses.  I don't wake up every morning with a smile on my face.  Bluebirds don't fly around my head chirping and flitting gracefully to joyful music filling the air...  Shocked?  If you have a clue, you're not.  I can actually remember, in the years before Scott went into the ministry, looking at the youth pastor's wife at our former church and thinking, "I wish I had it all together like she does..."  Her life looked perfect to me.  She was always smiling.  She had lots of friends and she seemed genuinely happy. When Scott became the youth minister at that same church, I took my place in her former pew.  I often wondered if people were sitting in the balcony looking down on me thinking that I had  my  life all together in the same way I used to look at her...  I hoped that wasn't the case, because I knew better than anyone that my life was just as chaotic as theirs might be, if not more.

I've struggled with depression and anxiety since the fall of 1993.  I had to drop out of college because of panic attacks.  I couldn't force myself to return to school after having my first panic attack during a political science class. There are times now when I can't pull myself out of the funk, no matter how hard I try.  There are times I fear the silliest things...  They aren't silly to me, but they would be to you.  Sometimes I lie in bed at night afraid that I'm losing my mind.  I can be sitting at a red light and suddenly fear that I might gun it and drive straight into traffic.  I can be the passenger in a car and suddenly fear that I might open the door and jump out while the car is moving.  I have a fear of 'losing control.'  When the fear overwhelms me I simply take a deep breath and cry out to Him.  I'm thankful that, no matter what, I know the One who IS in control.  Even if I lose it, He is still on the throne.

Philippians 4:6

Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.
I wake up every morning grateful for another day.  I thank God every night for my family, my friends and my incredible church family.  I do NOT have it all together and I never will in this life.  My life is not perfect.  My marriage is not perfect.  My child is not perfect.  And I am not in control, no matter how much I would like to be.  I am happy and I have incredible joy in my life.  But, my life is certainly not one to be envied, no matter how great I make it look on Facebook.  I'm not saying anyone DOES envy my life.  I'm simply saying that the only real joy in my life comes from the peace I have in knowing that Jesus is the Lord of it.

17 But whatever is good and perfect comes to us from God, the Creator of  all light, and he shines forever without change or shadow.  James 1:17