My natural reaction last Thursday morning was, "What am I going to do?! I can't handle this!" I walked out of the office building feeling completely numb.
As soon as I fell into the driver's seat of my car I felt the numbness and disbelief turn to shock... and hurt.
I wanted to close my eyes and get rid of the pain. I wanted to believe it wasn't true and just climb under a rock and feel nothing. That didn't happen. The tears started to fall and so did the rain. It poured from the moment I pulled out of the parking lot until the second I hit the Knox county line a little over two hours later. The rain AND the tears.
I always wondered what it must feel like to lose a job. Always thought it would floor me. I was right.
It floored me for two days. I had no appetite and all I wanted to do was cry. The thought of food made me absolutely nauseous.
Thursday was a rough day. I worked on my resume and applied for some positions in Knoxville as soon as I got home from Murfreesboro. Then I prayed and cried and prayed and cried some more. Scott and Franklyn spent the afternoon and evening at his parent's house. When they came home I had to tell Franklyn why my face was a twisted mess. We sat him down and I told him that I'd lost my job that morning. He looked up at me with the most sweet and innocent face and said, "Mommy, if you work at a gym will you get a discount? Or a lunch buffet?" Aaah, the innocence of babes... and naïve 9 year-olds.
Friday wasn't nearly as bad as Thursday, but it was a hard day. Scott and I went to watch Franklyn graduate from his Vertebrate Zoology class at UT and then we went to Chili's as a family. Chili's is one of my favorite places to eat. That day all I could do was sit and stare at the menu. Nothing looked good. Nothing smelled good. I ate fries and a few bites of a skillet cookie. And tears filled my eyes all day long.
The hardest part about this loss is knowing it means I will have less time with Franklyn. The last year of my life has been incredible. I've been so relaxed, so laid back, so happy. I've enjoyed going to bed late, waking up late, picking Franklyn up from school, not being nearly as stressed as I used to be... I've even skipped cleaning the house a few Saturdays! What? Really? Yes, really! Life has just been, well, good.
I've done a lot of praying. I've spent a lot of time on my knees.
By Saturday the tears were done. By Saturday my faith took over. By Saturday I let it go.
Finding another job is honestly out of my hands. I'm online every day searching. I'm networking on LinkedIn and Facebook. But there is only so much I can do. I know God allowed this in my life and I know it's for a reason. So I'm leaving it to Him. There is no sense in me worrying because it won't do a bit of good. He is good and He is in control. In my eyes, He is protecting me from something I know was coming. I was playing in a losing game and now I have the chance to move on. That, my friends, is a good thing.
Now I wait. I let go and let faith take over. I trust that He is at work and His plans are good. I hold to what I know is true and how I've seen Him work in the past.
"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4
I shared those verses on Facebook the day before I was told to look for a new job. I knew God was good then and I know it now. I'll take the trials. I'll take the pain. And I'll draw closer to Him through it all.
"Don’t be deceived, my dearly loved brothers. Every generous act and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights; with Him there is no variation or shadow cast by turning." James 1:16-17
He was good then and He is good now. I look forward to what He has in store.