It’s been a little over six months since our lives changed...
again.
Married 26 years, we’ve been through a lot of changes.
Change isn’t anything new to us. And it’s not something we’re afraid of. If
anything, I’d say we welcome it when we see it coming. In a way, that’s been
good for us. We’re less resistant to trying new things and we find that we’re
often blessed because of it.
In early June of 2017 we reopened our home to begin
fostering again. We had adopted our youngest son and daughter (Harris and
Katie) in December of 2016 and wanted to take a short break from fostering so
that we could fully adjust to the new normal. Our first son, Franklyn, needed
time to get accustomed to sharing a room with Harris and we needed to figure
out the rooming situation for any future foster children.
As soon as we opened back up we got a call about a three
year-old boy and his one year-old brother. I was scared to even consider taking
on TWO more children, but something in me said to do it. Scott agreed and we
accepted the placement. The DCS worker brought them to our home early one
Monday morning. This was only our second time accepting a placement and we didn’t
know what to expect. It wasn’t long after the worker left that we realized we
might be in over our heads. Without going into detail, I’ll just say that the
children had issues we weren’t prepared to handle. I was in tears within a
couple of hours and it was obvious we’d have to disrupt the placement. The boys
ended up spending one difficult night with us and DCS found them a different
home the next day. (Side Note: We recently ran into their worker and asked
about the boys and they are in that same home and are thriving!)
Because of the disruption, I was worried that DCS would somehow
punish us and not call with another placement. We hadn’t limited ourselves to
any particular age group, only requesting that any placement calls be for
children younger than our youngest daughter who was ten at the time. We didn’t
want to bring in an older child that might influence our younger children in a negative way. There are so many unknowns in foster care and we simply wanted to
protect our children. Regardless, we assumed it would be a while before DCS
called us again.
Less than a week later, on Tuesday, June 13th, I
was at the neighborhood pool with the kids. We had just started packing up to
head home and get ready for Harris’s counseling appointment later that
afternoon. My phone started ringing and I was surprised to see DCS Placement
show up as the caller. My heart started pounding. I was in utter shock when the
lady said they were trying to place a newborn baby boy. Still reeling from the
failed placement the week before, I was scared. I told her I needed to call my
husband and pray about it. I called Scott and we prayed together for wisdom
before discussing every aspect of the case based on the information we’d been
given by Placement. The baby had been exposed to numerous illegal and
prescription drugs. Even though we were stepping into the unknown, we decided
to accept the placement and leave the outcome in God’s hands. The lady with DCS
said that the baby was being released from the hospital the next day. We were
expected to ‘room in’ with him that night in the NICU at UT Medical Center. He
would come home with us the next day.
The next few hours were a complete blur. I called my mom to
come help me shop for baby items at Target. We were up and down the baby aisles
grabbing everything from an infant car seat to Boudreaux’s Butt Paste. Then I
loaded up the kids and took Harris to his counseling appointment. I was sitting
in the waiting room at the counseling office making a list of things I’d
forgotten to pick up for the baby when DCS Placement called again. It was the
same lady who had called earlier. She wanted to let me know that the baby we
were supposed to room with that night and bring home the next day was no longer
going to be placed through the Tennessee Department of Children’s Services. His
birth mother was moving to Kentucky and she requested that he be placed in a
home in that state. My heart literally felt like it sank into my stomach. Fortunately,
the lady continued speaking. She said that there was another newborn baby boy
coming into DCS custody the next day. When she asked if we’d like to foster him
I immediately said yes. He was also born exposed to illegal and prescription
drugs, so the circumstances were similar to the placement we’d already accepted.
Details including his name and room in date were not yet available so a DCS
worker was supposed to call me the next morning with more information. Scott
and I were excited, but nervous.
The next morning I received a call from a gentleman in
Placement. His first words to me were, “Good morning. Are you the one taking
custody of baby Graham?”
I. Was. Floored.
Goosebumps went up and down my spine.
Here’s where you need a little background information…
When Scott and I were in our first years of marriage, we
decided on baby names for our future children. The first boy’s name we came up
with was William Franklyn. William is my dad’s first name. Frank is Scott’s dad’s
middle name. Lynn is Scott’s mom and sister’s middle name. We loved the name
and felt like we’d covered some bases by naming our first child after family.
The second name we came up with was made up of two names we just loved. It was
Harris Graham. When we were a few months away from adopting TJ and Anna we had
suggestions ready for when they decided to change their names. TJ liked the
name Harris, but he was not a fan of the name Graham. He decided on Harris Dane
and we were happy with that decision. However, Scott looked at me and said, “I
guess I’ll never have my Graham.”
Fast forward less than a year….
When the man with Placement said the baby’s name was Graham,
I nearly dropped my phone. My mind was going a mile a minute as I tried to
focus enough to write down the little bit of information he was able to give me.
The baby’s name was Graham. He was born a little over four lbs. We would be
able to start visiting him in the NICU at Children’s Hospital the next day,
June 15th. It just so happened that the next day was our 26th
wedding anniversary. I decided that was
the best anniversary gift I could ever ask for.
The next day was a little crazy. Scott had a lot going on at
the church and wasn’t going to be able to go by the hospital with me to visit
baby Graham that afternoon. I loaded the kids in the car around 3:00 and drove
the short distance to Children’s. I had so much running through my mind. I was
scared to death. I’d NEVER cared for a newborn baby and I knew literally
nothing about what to expect. I felt certain the rug was about to be pulled out
from under me and I’d wake up from some crazy, exciting dream. It just seemed surreal that I was on my way to
meet this little baby that would be heading home with me for some unknown
period of time. I had people telling me, “Don’t get too attached,” and “Be
prepared to love him and let him go.” It was all a little overwhelming.
When we got to the NICU floor I sat the kids down in the
waiting room with their Nintendo DS’s and signed myself in. I was in a fog as I
scrubbed my hands and sanitized them before stepping into the actual NICU wing.
The lady at the desk explained the digital sign in process and directed me to baby
Graham’s room. I think I remember every single step I took as I turned the
corner to make my way down the hallway. It was like walking on a cloud. The
anticipation was killing me. Would he have dark hair? Would he be teeny, tiny?
Would he be able to open his eyes? I was so excited.
I walked into Graham’s room, stopped, pulled out my phone,
and took several pictures of him. He was asleep and I quickly decided he was
the most beautiful creature I’d ever laid eyes on. His blanket was tightly
swaddled around him and he had on a precious little light green onesie. Tubes
and wires were hooked up to his ankle and his toes. He was so very tiny. His
sweet nurse walked in and asked if I’d like to hold him. I don’t know that I’d
ever felt such a mixture of joy and fear at the same time.
I sat down in the chair beside his bassinet and held him
close. My eyes examined every inch of his precious face. He had the most
adorable little button nose, a wide little mouth, and a fuzzy head. I had a
lump in my throat from trying to hold back tears. I was already in love.
I took videos and pictures of everything he did while I was
there. If he sucked on his pacifier, I made sure to video it. If he took a
bottle, I got a picture. I didn’t want to forget anything about that day.
His nurse, Sara, came in and spent a lot of time with me.
She had to ask several questions for Graham’s paperwork and she gave me a
little bit of background on his situation. According to Sara, Graham’s paternal
grandmother had been with him every day since he’d been admitted to the NICU at
one day old. Sara said she was an amazing woman and only wanted what was best
for Graham. I was happy to know he had a grandmother that was interested in
doing what was best for him.
I had a Bible study to lead that night and I stayed at the
hospital right up until the last minute. It was hard to leave. I just wanted to
bundle him up and take him with me right then and there. I called my mom as
soon as I got in my car. I was going on and on about how he was the closest
thing to heaven I’d ever laid eyes on. The kids were in the back seat saying, “Wow.
Thanks a lot, Mom!”
Scott and I went back to the hospital later that night so he
could meet sweet, little Graham. Scott has never been one to want to hold
babies, but he didn’t want to put Graham down once he got his hands on him. I
think it was love at first sight for both of us.
We were able to visit Graham off and on for the next few
days. I spent a great deal of time in that hospital room loving on him and
telling him how precious and beautiful he was. It was hard knowing it was most
likely a temporary placement. Scott and I had gone into foster care to help
restore families and that was our honest goal. But the thought of bringing home
a newborn only to hand him back over to someone else after falling in love was
very, very hard to come to terms with. We just held on and trusted that the
Lord would give us the strength when the time came to let him go.
When you take custody of a NICU baby through DCS, you have
to ‘room in’ the night before you take the baby home. Our room in with Graham
was scheduled for Sunday, June 18th, which just so happened to be
Father’s Day. We went to church that morning feeling this crazy excitement and
anticipation. We left Franklyn, Harris and Katie with Scott’s parents and
headed off to the hospital early that afternoon. Throughout the afternoon and evening,
we received training on how to care for a newborn, especially an NAS (Neonatal
Abstinence Syndrome) baby. When we first found out about the ‘room in’ process,
I honestly thought it sounded like a waste of time. After going through it, I
think it’s one of the most valuable things I’ve ever been through. I learned so
much that night.
We had to sleep in the room with Graham and, even though
this wing of the hospital was only 7 months old, it was lacking in a comfortable
sleeping area for parents. There was a long narrow couch in his room that we
could sleep on. Let’s just say Scott did all the sleeping. I spent most of the
night in the chair by Graham reading or holding him. Graham’s nurse would come
in periodically throughout the night to check on him and see if we needed anything.
It was an exhausting night, but it was one that I’ll never forget.
The next morning, Monday, June 19th, we prepared
everything to head home. Around noon, Graham’s DCS worker called. We were still
waiting to be discharged and she was beginning Graham’s first CFTM (Child
Family Team Meeting) at the DCS office. She asked me to participate over the
phone. Graham’s two grandmothers were present, as well as his DCS worker and
her supervisor. We discussed Graham’s history, his birth parent’s history, and the
current situation regarding who might be seeking custody. Graham’s paternal
grandmother had recently retired and felt like she was too old to raise another
child. She wanted him to be adopted by a loving family. His maternal
grandmother was already raising Graham’s two older half-brothers and didn’t
feel like she could take on a newborn. Graham’s birth parents were both
suffering from addictions to a wide range of illegal and prescription drugs.
They left the hospital the day after he was born and had not returned. It
appeared they both came from happy, loving, middle class homes, but they had made
bad choices and ended up walking the painful, tragic road of addiction.
We were discharged much later that day. Graham’s favorite
nurse, Sara, carried him in his car seat down to the NICU pickup area. It felt
so strange to be leaving the hospital with a baby. We hadn’t signed one single
piece of paper and hadn’t paid a dime, but we were headed home with a tiny,
little infant…
On the way home we stopped at Buy Buy Baby. That’s the first
store Graham ever went in! We bought a Halo Bassinest because that’s what the
nurse had recommended he sleep in. It was expensive, but it ended up being
worth every penny. If you’re expecting a baby, Google it and check it out! It’s
one of the smartest purchases we ever made!
The first few weeks with Graham were absolutely amazing. I
was exhausted and forgot to eat a time or two, but I was happier than ever. Graham
was a little over five pounds when we brought him home. He had weekly visits from
a Children’s Hospital Home Health Nurse. She would weigh him each time she came
and I was so excited to see him reach six pounds and then seven pounds! It made
me feel like I’d actually accomplished something when I could see him gaining
weight. Those were exciting days!
After Graham had been with us for a couple of weeks we had a
visit scheduled with his paternal grandmother at the DCS office. We met her and
knew that she was going to play a special role in his life, no matter where he
ended up. She was his greatest advocate. A retired dentist, she was well
educated and more than willing to do whatever was necessary to see that Graham
had access to the best life available. Also a professing Christian, she spoke a
great deal about how she had been praying for baby Graham since the moment she
found out her son was going to be a dad. She feared for baby Graham’s life and
his future if he were to remain with them after he was born. During the visit,
she referred to me as Graham’s mom and she made it known that her desire was
for us to be his parents. At the end of the visit, we hugged and cried. Because
she wasn’t one of his parents, we weren’t required to have visits with her, but
we knew we wanted to continue to see her and allow her to develop a
relationship with her grandson.
We started meeting his grandmother and grandfather at Panera
Bread every few weeks. It was so nice to have a connection to his birth family.
We learned a lot about his birth parents and felt such compassion for them.
Around three months after we brought Graham home, it was
obvious his parents weren’t going to be able to get him back. They both decided
to surrender their parental rights. It’s hard to explain how we felt the day
they surrendered in court. We saw them both in person for the first time and it
was heart wrenching. There was such joy on our end, but also such a feeling of loss
for what they were losing. The paternal grandmother had brought Graham’s
father, also named Graham, to court that day. Even though it was painfully
awkward, we walked up to big Graham and introduced ourselves. We asked him if
he’d like to hold his son and I placed him in his arms. He held him close,
lowered his head, and sobbed. His tears were falling steadily onto baby Graham’s
fuzzy little head. It was painful, but beautiful at the same time. He loved his
child enough to do what was best for him. Graham’s mother, Danielle, was in
police custody and only got to see him in the courtroom. She was brought in
through a back door and wasn’t allowed to speak to anyone or have physical contact.
We made a firm decision that day that we would keep his first name Graham
(named after his dad) and change his middle name to Daniel (to honor his
mother, Danielle). Our desire is to honor them for choosing to give him life.
They made so many mistakes in life, but giving him life was an honorable
choice. We will always respect them for that.
After Graham’s birth parents surrendered their rights, DCS
put us on the road to adoption. We filed the Intent to Adopt in early October
and we were told to expect an adoption date sometime in December. It all
happened so fast. We’ve always loved baby Graham as our own, but to finally know
he was actually going to be a Whaley was an amazing feeling.
I met Graham’s grandmother and great grandmother in
Maryville for lunch one day in November. We sat and talked for a couple of
hours. His grandmother, Kathy, told me an interesting story. When baby Graham
was born, Kathy heard from her cousin in Texas whose daughter and son-in-law
were unable to have children. Her cousin had heard about the baby and asked
Kathy to give her daughter’s name to DCS so that they could get custody of him.
Kathy said that she told her cousin she’d pray about it. She prayed and prayed
and she said she never felt God leading her to give DCS their names. During the
first CFTM with DCS, when I was part of the meeting over the phone while
waiting for Graham to be discharged from the NICU, Kathy said she heard my
voice and knew that I was meant to be baby Graham’s mom. I’m not sure what she
heard in my voice that day, but I know I was already overwhelmed with love for
that sweet baby boy and it must’ve been evident in my voice.
So, that’s the story of how sweet Baby G came to be a
Whaley.
Scott and I have experienced a lot of loss and a lot of hard
times in our 26 years of marriage. There were years where we thought we’d never
be parents. We had decided that our kiddos would be those we ministered to in
the youth ministry and we were fine with that. Then, we were blessed with the
opportunity to adopt internationally. What an amazing journey that was! Never
did we imagine we’d have the joy of adopting three more children! When we were
at the courthouse last week to finalize Graham’s adoption, our attorney asked
if we were planning on coming back the same time next year since we'd adopted two Decembers in a row. Well, we’ll leave
that up to the Lord. All we’ll say is, never say never.
“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights…”
James 1:17
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