Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Better Focus

It's been a realllllly long time since I've posted anything to this blog.  I apologize.  Life has been busy, and too many things have taken precedence.  Some good things.  Some bad things.  Overall, the last year has been a mixture of joy, sorrow, pain and struggle.  I haven't blogged because my life has been so full of so many insignificant things and so much of the unknown that I was kind of afraid some of that would leak out!  Oh well.  I guess I'll just leak!  God has done some unbelievable work in my life in the last nine months.  It's been painful and I have to admit that I was fighting Him with all that was in me for a long time.  But, He saw fit to show me mercy and to continue to draw me to Him and draw me back to the close relationship that I missed and desired deep down for so long.  I can remember, over the last five years or so, thinking "When's it gonna happen?  When is God gonna say He's had enough of my selfishness and pride and just let the hammer fall?"  I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when it finally happened.  A series of events last winter literally brought me crashing to my knees.  God is so good.  He allows things in our lives that are painful only to bring us to His feet where we find ultimate peace and unbelievable joy, even in the midst of the pain.  At one point during all that I was going through, I told someone I was thankful for my thorn.  I said that I was glad God had allowed me to go through the things that I had been going through.  The person pretty much thought I was nuts to say that.  She said that I should be glad for where it brought me, but not be thankful for the pain.  Well, I know that the ONLY way God ever brings me back and humbles me the way I need to be humbled is through the kind of pain He has carried me through over the last nine months.  I HAVE to be thankful for that pain.  And, I am.  My relationship with Christ is so much richer and so much deeper.  I go to Him with each fear as it comes and each insecurity.  I trust Him and rest in Him.  I fill my mind with His Word and His promises, guarding my heart at every turn.  I can honestly say that I would rather lose this life than lose the intimacy and the passion that I have for Him right now.  He is my closest friend and my only hope.  He is good.
The other night Scott and I were watching an episode of The Love Boat on dvd.  Franklyn wasn't too excited about the show, so he decided to sit and draw and color at the pub table in our den.  When the show was over, he came over to me with his writing tablet.  He held up a page and asked, "How's this, Mama?"  I glanced his way thinking it would be another picture of SpongeBob or something similar.  That's when I realized he'd written out some of the words to a song he sings in children's choir at church.  So precious.  Franklyn became a Christian on Mother's Day of this year.  Since then he has honestly had such a heart for God's Word.  I do a devotion with him every night and his insight sometimes amazes me.  All I could think while I stared at this page of verse written by my six-year old son was, "That's what he's had on his mind this whole time?  We've been sitting here immersed in a flighty seventies tv show, and he's been sitting thinking about God....?"  The words to the song, shown above, are:

He is my rock
He is my shield
He is the hub in the middle of the wheel

Franklyn spoke my heart with those words.  All that I've been through in the last year brought me back to where I could truly say those words and mean it.  He is my Rock.  He is my Shield.  He is most certainly the hub in the middle of the wheel.  Without Him, my wheel would be extremely off balance.  I thank Him for securing me, defending me and drawing me back to the center of His will.  God is good.

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