Monday, April 16, 2012
Here I sit, stressed beyond words. I am trying to find peace in this move, but I am scared. We love our home and we never imagined we would be leaving it under these circumstances. We thought a sense of adventure and excitement would accompany this move, but that is not the case. Instead, we find ourselves struggling to make the right decisions, decisions that will bring glory to God. We are torn. Maybe it's just me. I think Scott is more at ease with everything than I am. Strange, considering I'm the one that moved countless times over the first 16 years of my life due to being an Army brat. I love moving. I always anticipate the newness of everything. I love making a home. However, this time, maybe because I feel so much closer to God right now than I have in a very long time, I am truly struggling. I want to know that we choose the right home and that the home we choose glorifies the One that provides it for us. I want to know that He is pleased with our decision. I want to know that He chose the house for us long before we decided it was "the one." I want to know that He will place His loving hand of protection over that home. Seems kind of silly to some, I'm sure. After all, it's not like we're making a life or death decision. We found a home that we love. It is a nice home. A very nice home. We have been countering back and forth with the seller and have come to a point that we are comfortable with the price and are ready to accept the counter and sign a contract to purchase the home. However, the sense of peace I am looking for comes and goes. Scott and I, when we decided to make an offer on the house, turned it over to God. We said that we would use the house to glorify Him if we were able to buy it. We made plans. Good plans. We said that we would have the youth over more often, we would have the youth parents in our home once a month, and we said that we would possibly start a couples Bible study... All things that would glorify the Lord. Then doubt reared its ugly head. Now I am to the point that I don't know what to do. I am seeking a clear answer from God, but I am not getting it. I am fearful. I am anxious. I am in need of a word from the only One that can give me that true sense of peace. I nearly had a panic attack on the way home from work today. It was frightening. On the interstate, traveling 75 miles an hour, I just felt overwhelmed for a moment. I almost had to pull off into the emergency lane. I knew that would be giving in to it though. I kept driving and saying over and over again, "God is good. God is good." I made it home safely, but not without the spirit of fear riding along in the passenger seat... I don't know if this fear is because it's possibly not the house God wants for us, or if this fear is simply due to the fact that we are leaving a comfortable home that Franklyn has known most of his life and I'm scared of messing up. Last night I could barely sleep and I spent over an hour reading my Bible and then journaling, just trying to get an answer from the Lord about the house. It's a beautiful house. It's a house that would make me proud. There is the word. The bad word. PROUD. I'm afraid I will be prideful in that house. I can promise over and over again that I won't, but God knows my heart. God knows how easy it is for me to boast and swell up with pride. I pray that, if we choose to buy that home, God will allow us to humbly use it to serve Him. I pray this with all my heart.
Posted by Kari Whaley