Thursday, July 24, 2014

I Don't Deserve This

Twenty-one years ago I was sitting in my political science class at Carson-Newman pondering whether or not to take the LSAT. I'd always wanted to be in broadcasting, but I'd recently grown increasingly interested in politics and law. In the midst of mulling over my future, a sudden wave of nausea and panic came over me and I felt the room spinning. Somehow I made it out of the classroom and into the nearest bathroom. Fellow students helped me to the infirmary where the nurse suggested I see my family doctor. Later that day I was sitting in my doctor's office listening to him tell me that I was pushing myself too hard and that I'd obviously just suffered a panic attack. I shrugged it off until a couple of days later when I couldn't force myself to go back to class. I was scared to death that it would happen again. Needless to say, I never returned to Carson-Newman.
And I said, "God, I don't deserve this."

Fifteen years ago, after 8 years of marriage, Scott and I decided it was time to have children. I quit taking birth control and we were certain it would happen right away. After all, my mother and sister both became pregnant at the snap of a finger (well, not exactly, but you get the idea). This might be too much information, but my menstrual cycle completely stopped after I quit the pill. During the 6 years that we actively tried to conceive, I did not have one.single.period. Not one. I saw specialists at Duke and UNC Chapel Hill during our time in North Carolina and no one could explain why I wasn't cycling and why I couldn't get pregnant. One doctor told me it was all in my head, stating that subconsciously I really didn't want children and that my mind was telling my reproductive system not to function properly. I cried many tears during those painful years.

And I said, "God, I don't deserve this."

Nearly two months ago I was told I was losing my job. I was hurt. I was scared. My mind raced with the fears and anxieties that come with knowing you're losing a needed income and facing a job search. I cried the 'ugly cry' for a month. Tears soaked my pillow, my desk calendar, my treadmill, my steering wheel.... You name it, I cried on it.

And I said, "God, I don't deserve this."

Tonight I was driving home from a day trip to visit friends in Manchester. Franklyn was asleep in the back seat and I was blaring praise and worship music. I was singing along and deliberately studying each word as it came out of my mouth. Praises rolled off my tongue with ease and I felt indescribable joy.

And I said, "God, I don't deserve this."

And you know what? That's the truth. I DON'T deserve this. I don't deserve the peace I have right now. I don't deserve to have had the joy of working from home for fifteen months. Absolutely NOTHING I've done merits the delight I have when I look into the eyes of my precious son. I don't deserve an incredible husband that loves me in spite of my nastiness. I look back and I know God protected me when He kept me from going down the path that leads to law school. I would've been a miserable woman and a terrible wife if I'd become an attorney because the stress would've eaten me alive. If I were given my due, I'd be destined to hell and this life would only be the precursor.
I do know that I'm blessed beyond measure, simply because I honestly don't deserve this.

"He has not dealt with us as our sins deserve or repaid us according to our offenses." Psalm 103:10

That being said, I challenge you. What are three things in your life that you don't deserve? What has happened to you to cause you to say, "God, I don't deserve this"? Can you now look back and see those things as blessings in disguise? Feel free to comment below or share with me on my Facebook page.


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